A Wuxi China Toy Train Miracle

The Wuxi Expat Wordle

Wuxi Expat Sells His Aircraft Carrier to Local Concerns

Didley Dandy Do, a Wuxi Expat from Derbyshire, has sold complete interest in the aircraft carrier R.A.S.S. Putin to Wuxi locals.

Dandy Do told the WCE Blog that he sold the RASS Putin to his “wonderful Wuxi friend Admiral Hai Chuan” for drinks and a song. “People are telling me that I could have gotten more the aircraft carrier!” said Dandy Do. “But shucks! I love my buddy Chuan to death, and it would break my heart to see the carrier sold to interests who didn’t want Chuan to be its head maintenance engineer and masseuse!”

Dandy Do told the WCE Blog that he was selling the RASS Putin in order to spend more time on his recently acquired battleship The RASS Potemkin.

Experts say that Dandy Do could have gotten more than a drink, a song, and a back-rub for the carrier which has surface area to land one thousand Boeing 787s, and area underneath for four shopping malls, ten pubs, shower facilities for a thousand sailors, and ten thousand bunk or double beds.

News of the sale was seen as an end of an era by many Wuxi Expats, many of whom had fond reminiscences of time spent on the carrier.

Andis Kaulins, the English teacher who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the president of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins who is the chairman of the Wuxi Elite Expat Association, told the WCE blog that the RASS Putin was the place where he earned his “sea salts.” Said ET Kaulins: “It was on the RASS Putin that I earned my license to speak saltily or swear like a sailor, as the expression goes! I also learned to say “Arggy Parggy!” and smoke using a corn-on-the-cob pipe!”

Duston Short, the disgraced former midget sumo wrestling champion, told the WCE Blog that the RASS Putin was the place where he lost his virginity and so would always have a special place in his heart. “Being a cabin boy on the RASS Putin was a great experience for me. I recommend that any boy, who wants to come of age, to try being a cabin boy for a year or so! The sailors treat you extra special!”

His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Gorzo the Mighty had this to say about the sale of the RASS Putin while paying a visit to the Harry Moore Hospital for Children, Orphans, and Women: "My heart is filled with sadness and fond reminsicences now that I have heard of the news of the sale of the Royal Australian Sailer Service Air Carrier Putin. For it was under the flight deck of the Putin, that I, along with the blogger Andrew Cowlinch, was able to plot the overthrow of the Ayatollah of Mordor and bring light, liberty, and good odours to the Wuxi China Expatdom!"

The RASS Putin which is currently dry-docked at the Wuxi China Expatdom Free Seaport on Lake Taihu will become the official property of Admiral Chuan on February 14th. “It will be a butter sweat parting for me!” said a teary-eyed Dandy Do.

The Top Ten Wuxi Expat Pubs

These are the top ten expat pubs in Wuxi, China according to WCE Blogspot:

1.  Gambay’s. #1 1912 Bar Bistrict Street. The original Wuxi Expat pub is still the best. You can’t go wrong with their 1 rmb wings and 2 rmb mugs of draft beer.

2.  The Dilly & Dally Pub. 1957 Jiefeng Road. Just opened, the pub has caught the imagination of Wuxi Expat pub patrons, all over the solar system, with its civilized atmosphere featuring the music of Frank Sinatra and other great artists who sing standards from the great American songbook.

3.  Hardy’s Har Har Comedy Club. 3.14 Xiao Xiao Road. Sit on a whoopie cushion and get a free mug of Suntory Draft!

4.  The Santiago Cafe. #65 Xi Hu Road. Despite the continual scheduling problems, like celebrating American Independence Day on July 8^th, the Santiago’s location near the Bao Long Shopping Mall is very convenient for drunk Expats looking to catch taxis.

5.  McClintock’s Bar & Saloon, 43 Ma Lu. Located in the Wuxi China Expatdom Double Happiness Bar & Saloon street , McClintock;s the place for Expatriate Cowboys to drink. And don’t worry, whether your name is Sitting Bull of Mahatma Ghandi, the staff at McClintock’s will be mighty glad to have ya!

6.  The Pink Kitty. 69 Nanchang Jie Bar Street. The bar for those Wuxi Expat who practice alternative and neo-modern partnering arrangements.

7.  The Chestnut Pub. 1984 Hubin Road. Run by the owner of the Pink Kitty, the Chestnut Pub gets it name from a pub in the novel 1984. With its PC atmosphere and speech code, Wuxi Expat Obama supporters, liberal democrats, progressives and leftists will feel right at home.

8.  Dangle’s Participle. 118 Zhongshan Road. The pub for Wuxi English Teachers.

9.  The Walnut Pub. 1989 Hubin Road. Sister pub to the Chestnut Pub. This is the pub for those who have broken PC speech codes or voiced deviationist or reactionary opinions.

10.  The Blue & Grey Pub, 1865 Lee Lu. The Pub for Wuxi Expat Civil War enthusiasts. Whether you like reliving the campaigns of Sherman, Lee, Julius Caesar, or Chairman Mao, the Blue & Grey is the pub for you.

 

Dishonorable mention: Mahovlich’s Bar & Grill, #13 Meicun Road. This pub, run by Ontario, Canada Expats, suffers from bad location, no furniture, and poor management.  

Movement Afoot to Make Wuxi Expat Archduke’s Last Name an Important Word in the English Language.

A group of prominent Wuxi Expats has formed a group to make Archduke Sir Harry Moore’s last name “Moore” a word of great importance in the English language: the Wuxi China Expatdom We Need to Make Moore an New Word in English Society (WCEWNMMNWES).

Leader of the the WCEWNMMNWES, Doctor Samuel Johnson, tells the WCE Blog that the movement is not without its precedents. “Every other Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke’s last name has resulted in the coining of a new word for the English language. Thanks to the late great Archduke Sir William Wonderful, English has the word “wonderful!” And don’t forget the other great Wuxi Expat Archdukes: Sir Harold Honesty, Sir Johnathan Joyous, Sir Victor Virile, Sir Gregory Good, Sir Paul Passion, Sir Lawrence Love, Sir Andrew Sensible, Sir Robert Splendid, Sir Thomas Clever, Sir Andis Wise, Sir Ichabod Chocolate, Lord Liberty, the Duke of Jim Dandy, Sir Toby Strong, David Delicious, Sir Francis Sexy, and Sir Wallace Gentleman. All their last names have added to the beauty of the English language and to the happiness of a many a life. Before the arrival of the Wuxi Expat, humanity had not experienced Love, Honesty, Joyousness, Goodness, Virility, Wisdom, Jim Dandiness, and Chocolate!”

Other member of the WCEWNMMNWES are Mr. Dunning, (soon to be Lord Ashburton,) Mr. Samuel Dyer, Mr. Garrick, Dr. Shipley Bishop of St. Asaph, Mr. Vesey, Mr. Thomas Warton and Dr. Adam Smith, Mr. Burke, Mr. Langton, Lord Charlemont, Sir Robert Chambers, Dennis Gorman, Dr. Percy Bishop of Dromore, Dr. Barnard Bishop of Killaloc, Zach Landon, Dr. Marlay Bishop of Clonfert, Mr. Fox, Dr. George Fordyce, Sir William Scott, Fred Boily, Sir Joseph Banks, Stewart Dingle, Andy Drummond, Sir Charles Bunbury, Mr. Windham of Norfolk, Mr. Sheridan, Mr. Gibbon, Sir William Jones, Mr. Colman, Tom Butler, Mr. Stevens, Dr. Burney, Dr. Joseph Warton, Mr. Malone, Lord Ossory, Lord Spencer, Lord Lucan, Raquel Welch, Lord Palmerston, Pamela Anderson, Lord Eliot, Lord Macartney, Mr. Richard Burke junior, Sir William Hamilton, Dr. Warren, Mr. Courtenay, Dr. Hinchcliffe Bishop of Peterborough, the Duke of Leeds, Dr. Douglas Bishop of Salisbury, Terry Picket, Leo A, and Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher.

Asked what the word “Moore” would mean, Doctor Johnson told the WCE blog that one first has to see what new phenomenon the word “Moore” would be used to named. “Archduke Harry Moore, has god-given talents, god-given good looks, and god-given human decency never before seen in a single human being on this God’s green earth. If you say the man almost is Moore, for instance, you will be saying that is he intelligent and good-looking and passionate and compassionate and virile and articulate and well-dressed and chaste and experienced and charismatic and wonderful and handsome and has golden locks of dark hair and…. phew! It will be so much easier to say Moore! Of course, I expect that once the word Moore enters the general circulation, it will have many other uses. For instance, when a woman may say to a man I want Moore! so the man knows he has to be on his behaviour and that if he dare take this woman to bed, he must do so legally and full of virility. And when we look at a woman like Pamela Anderson or Ursula Andress, we way well describe her as being Moore which will mean that woman like this are beyond the reach of all mortal men but one: Archduke Sir Harry Moore!”

The WCEWNMMNWES’s mission has received the blessing of His Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty and His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI.

Sensational Images From Mars – But Is It Intelligent Life ?

Less than an hour ago, the WCE CAPCOM received the first photographs sent by the Expatdom’s Zhanshen 6 Mars Mission crew, which may indicate life-forms on the distant planet. The images, and the accompanying-report, sent by the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Commander, Lloyd Bridges, are being closely scrutinised by the CAPCOM’s team of astrophysicists, biologists, zoologists, and other experts”

Commander Bridges said that he was exploring the Mare Utopia valley, when the discovery was made. “At first we thought that they could be some form of insectoid species”, he said, “ but as you can see, they resemble bipedal anthropoids!”.

He reports that the Martian-creature’s behaviors are even-more bizarre than the photos indicate. “Their means of communication, – if that’s what it is, consist of repetitive, guttural sounds. Incomprehensible, and robotic, with no pattern”. As to their movements, Commander Bridges said that “they locomote in a bewildering lateral, or sideways-shifting, mode”. “I’ve dived to depths of 300 fathoms in Lake Taihu, and thought I’d seen grotesque animalcules before, but these things have got me shaking my head”, said the Commander.

Inside the Zhanshen 6 Landing Module, team-commander Archduke Harry Moore has been frantically-scanning through his collection of Carl Sagan’s books for some clues that may assist in identifying the Martian life-forms. “I’ve flicked-though billions and billions of pages, but so far found nothing that can help us yet”, said the Archduke.

Reaction in the Expatdom has ranged from excitement, disbelief, and, in some cases, to fear and revulsion. When shown copies of the images, Andis Kaulins, The English Teacher, was visibly-shaken, and required smelling-salts to recover his composure.

Navy Commander Bridges proposes to capture one of the Martian creatures, and have it analysed and examined at the Expatdom’s Strange And Weird Bipedal Anthropoid-from Mars Analysis and Examination Facility (WCESAWBAfMAAEF).

However fellow-Zhanshen 6 crew-member, WCE Royal Mounted Police Squad Commander Chief Inspector Harry Callahan expressed his strong disagreement. “I’m not touching ‘em”, explained Commander Callahan. “these things could have hostile intentions. Maybe they’re Red Trojan-Planet horses. We can’t put decent, law-abiding Expats at risk, – who knows what they’re capable of? I say that we leave ‘em here”, CI Callahan said.

Is Robert Downey Jr Coming Back to the Wuxi China Expatdom?

The reaction to rumours that Robert Downey Junior is returning to the Wuxi China Expatdom, has been mixed.

Downey, who left the Expatdom in 2011 under a cloud of disgrace after an English teaching career that saw him teach everywhere in Wuxi, is said to be contemplating a return after finding life outside the WCE to not be to his liking.

Reaction to his return, among prominent Wuxi Expats, has ranged from pandemonium to severe negativity.

Pub owner Wally Droop says he is praying for Downey’s return because he hasn’t yet paid off his debts from his last stint in Wuxi. Droop does admit that the charismatic Downey did bring in extra patrons to the pub who would drink and listen to Downey’s anecdotes, witticisms, and excuses.

Disgraced former Wuxi China Expatdom midget sumo wrestling champion Duston Short, currently on trial for molesting himself, says he is ecstatic now that he has heard about of Downey’s return. “No longer will I and Thor Lyndon be so infamous for being late for work, calling in sick, or getting fired from every school!”

Blogger Andrew Cowlinch whose satirical character Fidel Guevara Carlyle-Bassington is said to be loosely based on Downey tells the WCE Blog that he hopes Downey has cleaned up his act by having cured himself of alcoholism and drug-addiction, realized the fatal conceit of his socialism, and maybe furthermore realizing that planning ahead and showing up on time are not just bourgeois conceits to be scoffed at.

English Teacher and self-described man-about-town Farok Bagolli is reportedly very angry about a possible Downey return to the WCE. “If I see that guy I’ll kill him! If you know what I mean!” Rumours abound that that two Sexpats are enemies after having been neighbors.

So far, no exact date has been set for Downey’s return. In a brief interview with the WCE Blog, Downey said he was looking for the right opportunity. “I don’t want to be screwed like every other time I held a job in Wuxi!” he said.