Officer McNulty, acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police Force (the WCERMPF), told a million assorted newsmen, that Operation Hephaestion, an initiative taken by the WCERMPF to correct the grammar of WCE English Teachers, has been a tremendous success. "We have corrected the grammar of one hundred thousand Wuxi China Expat English Teachers!" said McNulty.
McNulty was quick to not take credit for the operations’s success. "I wouldn’t have been able to catch and prosecute the English Teachers mangling the Queen’s and President’s English without the diligent efforts of the million man task force that spared no amount of personal comfort in hiding out where English teachers congregate! I also want to thank Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy Admiral Lloyd Bridges for the use of his aircraft carriers and the bombardment he put on the bad grammar of English Teachers living in Long Tuo Zhu Park; Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force Marshall Gregory Peck for the 72 hours of non-stop bombardment of the Norway International English School in the Wuxi New District; Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force Commander General Colonel Harlan Sanders for the artillery and mortar barrage on the two English Fungus locations in the Nanchang District; my acting teacher Stella Adler who taught me how to make my appearances before criminal punks heartfelt and true; my boxing trainer Angelo Dundee who taught me to control my savage tendencies; Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President and WCE Minister of Colonies and best-selling author and international-sex-symbol-raconteur Harry Moore for being my role-model; and Pope Benedict XVI for saving my soul!"
Asked if his methods might be over-the-top in their roughness, McNulty said that extremism in the defense of a good cause was not as vicious as mamby-pamby post-1960s governmental types would have people believe. "Some English Teachers get a little bruised because they aren’t so professional — this is nothing! These English Teachers have the slackest of lives compared to what the locals have to put up with!" said McNulty.
Asked for numbers of English Teachers punished as well as of the amounts of punishment dealt, McNulty was quite exact. "Six English Teachers are missing but we presume that they did "a runner." 45,266 English teachers are in hospital with broken bones or grammar books lodged deeply in their foreheads. Three thousand English Teachers are serving life sentences for repeated errors of tense. Twenty five thousand English Teachers have had their dangling participles severed. Another twenty five thousand English Teachers are under house arrest for bad pronoun reference. The other 1,728 teachers have had their bar tab privileges revoked!"
McNulty added that Operation Hephaestion would continue indefinitely into the future. Asked if this was a case of "It ain’t broke, don’t fix it!" by a reporter, McNulty growled, terrifying all the reporters. Tension in the Walter Bagehot Press Center rose to a fever-pitch as McNulty asked the reporter to repeat his question. The reporter, on the second try, asked if the continuance of Operation Hephaestion was a case of "if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it! making McNulty growl all the more. Reporters fainted before and as McNulty said it was a case of don’t stop a good thing happening. It was only when McNulty curled his lips into a smile that reporters were able to breathe easily and laugh nervously.
Originally Posted By Andis Kaulins to Wuxi, China Expatdom at 1/26/2012 11:30:00 PM