Five Injured, 150 Bottles of Liquor Smashed during Wuxi Expat Pub Imbroglio

The meeting of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Temperance League (WCERTL) at Mahovlich’s Bar & Grill in the Meicun District, quickly turned in an imbroglio during which five people were injured and over 150 bottles of liquor were smashed.

Guy Lombardi, an American, who regularly comes to Mahovlich’s to take advantage of the pub’s two for the price of one Snow Draft Beer Special gave the following account of what happened: "I was minding my own business drinking a cold Snow beer in a brown stubbie bottle when I looked up from my beer to notice that the pub was packed, for the first time ever and that there was a lot of singing going on. Near as I can recall, I heard something along the lines of bringing in the cheeseburgers… I then noticed that some of the people in the pub were glaring at me. I ignored them, but not before giving them the old Bronx cheer, and went back to enjoying the smooth and mountain-brewed taste of my Snow Beer served in a traditional Canadian stubbie beer bottle. How quickly my mind was filled with images of Canadian fiords and wind-swept prairie-rocky mountain snow-covered scenic scenes where a game of ice hockey was being played before a crowd of nubile bikini-clad snow bunnies all built like Pamela Anderson or Anne Murray! And there were penguins flying overhead as Gordon Lightfoot performed the half-time show. Anyway, my Canadian reveries were abruptly stopped by an axe crushing my beer. It was an old woman, who looked like Margaret Atwood, who swung it. Now my being a gentleman and respecter of the old, and her being a woman, of sorts, and very stern-looking, I decided to let it pass. I had ordered thirty Snows and I wasn’t going to hold it against anyone if they took one of them. But then she smashed my next beer as I put it into my hand, and then my next one, and then my next one, and then my next one after that. I finally had to tell the woman that was enough when she smashed my seventh. It was at this point that one of her male handlers confronted me. "How dare ye drink the devil’s brew!" he said to me. I took this an invitation to have an anti-parley, and I rained haymakers and hooks and crooks on him. One thing lead to another, as the saying goes, and there was a good old-fashioned imbroglio at Mahovlich’s as the drinkers took on the singers! Bibles and axes and beer bottles were a-flying!"

By the time the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police, commanded by Officer McNulty, arrived, 150 bottles of Snow beer were smashed and four people had to be taken to hospital. "No arrests were made because the Temperance Activists had fled the pub to return to their heavily armed fortress island on Lake Taihu. By the time, they had arrived at the Island, I received an official declaration of war form from the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Alcohol Appreciation Society (WCERAAS). The WCERAAS declared war on the WCERTL. Presenting to form to the WCERTL, they agreed that a state of war existed between them and the WCERAAS. So with a state of war existing between the two organizations, I can’t arrest the imbroglioists because WCE law says members of WCE organizations involved in states of war are immune from arrest from the civil authorities!"

Experts say that a possible WCERTL-WCERAAS war has the makings of a modern day Peloponnesian war. "The WCERTL is a naval power likes Athens was in the four hundred B.C.!" said WCE military Expert John Keegan Maximum Hastings. "The WCERAAS wants to resist the imperial ambitions of the WCERTL which is seeking to take over all Wuxi Expat Pubs and make them dry."

Many Wuxi Expats were saddened to hear of the bottles of liquor being smashed. Upon receiving news of the smashings, one million Wuxi Expats gathered at Harry Moore Square Diamond to hold a candlelit vigil to remember the bottles and lament the loss of the liquor.


About wuxiandis

An English Teacher in Wuxi, China. Married to a local girl. Father of a boy born August 23, 2007.
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