Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper says that he has read and examined thoroughly the book The Poolside Harry Moore (TPHM) and now wants to change the look of the Canadian Confederation established in 1867.
In a speech televised to all the Canadian nation from their capital which, for now, is still called Ottawa, Harper spoke of what changes he had in mind now that he had read the best selling book of essays and intimate portraiture of Wuxi China Expatdom Archduke Sir Harry Moore.
Canadian PM Harper said that he was thinking of changing his country’s name from Canada to Harry Moore Land, but that for now, he would rename the national capital changing it from Ottawa to Harry Moore City and that the Maple Leaf on Canada’s flag would be replaced by an image of the Archduke. "We will hold a series of national referendum for Canada’s citizens to decide which photo of the Archduke from the Poolside Harry Moore that would like to see on our national flag! It has yet to be determined, but we will change the name of one of the great lakes and one of our great rivers, probably the Fraser, to honour the Archduke!" said PM Harper in the speech.
"The Poolside Harry Moore so changed my thinking on many issues!" said PM Harper. "I, like most Canadians, assumed that Australians were all named Bruce, owned pubs, and liked to strut around provocatively in tight short-shorts; and that they sewed their wallets and/or purses to their stomach. We didn’t think any of them could write! My God! Moore’s prose writings reminded me of the great Canadian writers like Mordecai Richler, Marc Steyn, Robertson Davies, Margaret Atwood, George Grant, Marshall McLuhan, and Stephen Leacock! The treatises on government in the Poolside Harry Moore so wise and sagacious that we will hold a special convention in 2016 to adopt a new constitution based on the Archduke’s suggestions!"
"Examining the photos of the Archduke in TPHM, I couldn’t helped by be struck by how the physicality and good looks of Harry Moore so much reminded me of the vast territory that we Canadians are so fortunate to possess. His tousled black locks of hair are as luxuriant as a rain forest in British Columbia. His abdominal muscles are as flat as the vast Canadian prairie which extends from Manitoba through Saskatchewan to Alberta. Examining the photos exhibiting the Archduke’s physical strength, one can imagine that his abdominals are as hard as the Canadian Shield which extends over a great area of Canada encompassing the provinces of Ontario and Quebec. His sunny disposition can’t help but make one think of a prairie sunrise. His smile is vast like our great northern tundra. The glint in his eyes shimmers like the waters of Hudson’s Bay. The photos of him taking deep breaths reminds me of the great tides of the Bay of Fundy which can be seen in our Maritime provinces. As a Canadian staring, with fascination and awe, at the more intimate parts of the Archduke, I can imagine the feeling of wonder that the first European explorers felt as they first set eyes on the shores of Nova Scotia and Newfoundland!" said Harper, who at this point, began to hyperventilate and to take some swigs of Crown Royal Whiskey before he could carry on with his speech.
Harper an avid sports fan also saw resemblances between the Archduke and some famous Canadian hockey players. "The photos in the TPHM of the Archduke swimming show him to have the athletic flair of Bobby Orr, Mario Lemieux. The photos of the Archduke wrestling with a twenty foot long great white shark show him to have the strength of Bobby Hull and the intensity of Maurice "the Rocket" Richard."
Harper ended his speech with an impassioned observation of the Archduke’s oratory. "When he talks of film, he practically sings with the docile tonality of Gordon Lightfoot, Bucky Saint Marie and Anne Murray; while at the same time maintaining the folksy-down-home-hot-stove-league-hokey-pokey stylings of Stomping Tom Connors and Tommy Hunter!"
Leader of the three major oppositions parties in the Canadian Parliament were quick to denounce the PM’s speech saying it bordered on lunacy:
"It is sheer craziness that we are doing so little to honor the author of the great book the Poolside Harry Moore!" said leader of the Opposition NDP Party Thomas Mulcair. "I don’t see why we just don’t change our country’s name to Harry Moore Land right now! I say we do before the Americans do!"
"Why haven’t all the images we have of the Queen been torn down and replaced with images of Archduke Harry Moore? At the least, PM Harper should have made the Archduke our Governor General and dissolved parliament so that he could rule us by decree!" said Justin Trudeau, the leader-presumptive of the Liberal Party.
"If he make the archduke the Harry the Moore the King of the Canada, we won’t have the need to become the separate country" said Pierre Bouchard, leader of the Separatist Bloc Quebecois.
Other critics of the PM, asked why it was that the Poolside Harry Moore couldn’t just become the official flag of Canada. "With so many wonderful photos of the Archduke in TPHM, I say we just have a flag for each day of the year!" said the famous Canadian journalist and music critic Marc Steyn.