Ask a Wuxi Expat #4: The Ayatollah of Mordor

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Former King of Wuxi, the Ayatollah of Mordor now awaits trial for his crimes against humanity and good taste at the Guantanamo Two Prison Facility on Canada’s Hans Island.

The Ayatollah of Mordor, a former resident of Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada has not once shown any remorse for his many crimes.

In his interview with the WCE Blog, the former King of Wuxi was defiant and somewhat demonic, as he sat, dressed in a kilt and a long feathery boa, in his bare cell in Gitmo Two.

WCE: How do you feel about being in prison?

AM: We’re all our own prisons, we are each all our own wardens and we do our own time. I can’t judge anyone else. What other people do is not really my affair unless they approach me with it. Prison’s in your mind. Can’t you see I’m free?

WCE: How do you feel about the U.S. election results.

AM: Wonderful! Simply wonderful! It is nice to see a clean articulate black man get a break. Of course, it is all ties in with my Helter-Skelter plan to take over the world!

WCE: Helter Skelter plan?

AM: Yes. America goes in the tank and I can establish a sultan-ship in the Wuxi China Expatdom!

WCE: Sounds diabolical!

AM: It is. Ha ha ha! But I have always been a peace, order, and good government sort of guy.

WCE: Interesting. So you pine to return to the throne in the Wuxi China Expatdom. It must feel bad to have lost all the power you possessed?

AM: It doesn’t matter. We use the word God. God hooks all the other words up. I’m the pope. I’m ten times the pope. I’m sixty times the pope. But I’m the pope in the hills and in the mountains, even here.

WCE: Any regrets about your time as the King of Wuxi?

AM: Maybe I should have eaten four, five thousand Rowntree Crispy Crunch Chocolate Bars. Then I would have felt better. Then I would have felt like I really offered society something.

WCE: How do you see yourself now?

AM: Look down at me and you see a fool; look up at me and you see a god; look straight at me and you see yourself.

WCE: How do you see the world?

AM: You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody’s crazy.

WCE: Any advice for people thinking of moving to the Wuxi China Expatdom?

AM: Stay away from the blogger Andrew Cowlinch — he will stab you in the back.

WCE: What would be the first thing you’d do if you ever got out of prison?

AM: Get that Andrew Cowlinch!!

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About wuxiandis

An English Teacher in Wuxi, China. Married to a local girl. Father of a boy born August 23, 2007.
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