50 Dead, 100 Wounded in Artillery Attack on Wuxi China’s Venice Gardens

Sunday, an estimated 50 people were killed and 100 wounded in an artillery attack on Venice Gardens, a popular residential area for Wuxi Expats. Venice Gardens, often thought of as a Wuxi Expat compound, was subjected to nearly twelve consecutive hours of bombardment. All sorts of artillery shells, of various vintages, of many calibers and of many types, including high explosive and white phosphorous were used in the attack on civilian and military targets in the compound.

The source of the shelling was the nearby Wuxi China Expatdom Field Artillery Theme Park which had just had its grand opening on Saturday.

Director of the Park, the legendary gunner Major Harry Knox, said he was sorry for the attack. "We do have lots of targets for our guns to fire, but our forward observers a.k.a. spotters, who subsequently, we had to let go, had an animus towards people living in Venice Gardens that we didn’t know about! said Knox.

Major Knox, while not shirking questions from media members about the attack on the innocent Wuxi Expats, did try to promote his Artillery Theme Park. Said Knox: "The Wuxi China Expatdom Field Artillery Theme Park is the best park of its kind in the world! We have over a thousand kilometers of ranges full of all sorts of targets to fire on. We have every artillery piece imaginable. Whether, you want to fire artillery used by Napoleonic forces, the field guns used in the U.S. Civil War, 105 mm Howitzers used in Korea, self propelled 155 mm Howitzers as used by the Israeli Defense Forces, or any other field artillery piece from any other time in history, you won’t be disappointed! And you won’t be firing one gun at a time. Our staff of volunteers and cheap laborers will be glad to help you engage in coordinated, multi-gun bombardments like the kind we subjected Venice Gardens to on Sunday!"

Klaus Barbie, head of the Venice Garden Residents Association, said he didn’t anticipate any retaliatory attacks by the surviving residents of his apartment complex. "Major Knox has been very generous, giving all the surviving VG residents WCEFATP memorabilia including hats, t-shirts, and models of famous field artillery pieces. The residents of Venice Gardens are very forgiving people. We understand that you can expect some initial weekend kinks in any new business opening! So no worries from Us!" said Barbie who was able to survive the attack by hiding under his dining room table.

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About wuxiandis

An English Teacher in Wuxi, China. Married to a local girl. Father of a boy born August 23, 2007.
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