Ikea Opening leads to Anti-Swedish Backlash among Wuxi Expats

The opening of the Wuxi Ikea has resulted in a violent backlash among Wuxi Expats against all things Swedish. Wuxi Expats suspected of being Swedish, having blonde hair, speaking with a pitched accent, associating with Swedish Wuxi Expats or liking Swedish things have gone into hiding. Things, in the Wuxi China Expatdom, suspected of having a connection with Sweden have been either smashed or burnt by mobs of Expats angry that Ikea has come to Wuxi.

This is not the first time, Wuxi Expats have expressed anti-Swedish sentiments. When the Swedish Bikini Team was lost in the tunnels under the new Wuxi Train Station in 2011, a group of Wuxi Expats protested the search efforts citing a hatred for Ikea as a reason for their opposition.

The current anti-Swedish backlash began when a mob of three million Wuxi Expats held an illegal ABBA MP3 and CD Demolition Rally at Harry Memorial Square Gold on the eve of the Wuxi Ikea opening.

Since the rally, there have been numerous incidents where Expats, suspected of having sympathies with Swedes, have been paraded in front of angry mobs of Young Wuxi Expat Guards and forced to wear dunce caps, have their blonde hair dyed black or brown, and carry posters denouncing themselves as Swede loving polygamous ne’er-do-wells chicken hockey playing welfare bums.

Numerous prominent Expats, including Archduke Harry Moore, have gone into hiding. Moore has been become the focus of the Anti-Swedish ire for having been the stunt man in love scenes featuring Britt Eklund in the Jame Bond film The Man with the Golden Gun and, as well, for having done an adult instructional video with Anita Ekburg: How to Achieve Sublimity of Passion. Wuxi Expat Socialite Larry Drysdale was attacked at the Wuxi China Expatdom Tennis Club by Expats objecting to his headband which reminded them of Bjorn Borg.

A few Expats have stood their ground against the Anti-Swedish Expats. Officer McNulty, of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Mounted Police, single-handedly beat down a mob of one hundred thousand for having a poster of Britt Eklund in his bedroom. His superior, Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, is said to be tired after staring down a mob of a million Wuxi Expats, angry that Callahan and his band, the Wuxi China Expatdom Trio, recorded funk-country fusion versions of Waterloo and Take a Chance on Me.

The biggest organization in the Expatdom, The Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society, has broken into two factions for and against the films of Ingmar Bergman. The two factions fought a major armor battle involving 10,000 Tanks and an estimated million troops at the Nanchang Jie Bar Street on Thursday evening.

Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, issued a warning to Wuxi Expats telling them to calm the ardor of their Anti-Swedish sentiments. "I am no fan of the Swedish Economic Model like all decent freedom-loving Expats and I have to admit that I have had trouble assembling the furniture I have bought at Ikea." said his Majesty in an interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom Sun. "So I can understand why some of you might have it in for Swedish things and Swedes. But Swedes aren’t like Nazis. They aren’t as stupid as people from Ontario, Canada. And think of the Swedish cook from the Muppets. He is cute and hilarious with that pitched accent! And Swedish Blondes! Yozza! Yozza! Woof! Woof! Woof! And they have in fact moved away from their Swedish Economic Model! So let’s just be cool!"

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About wuxiandis

An English Teacher in Wuxi, China. Married to a local girl. Father of a boy born August 23, 2007.
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