Helper Monkeys are out; Shetland Ponies are in. This is the latest style pronouncement from the Wuxi China Expatdom’s foremost expert on the tastes the Wuxi China Expatdom Jet Set: Robin Sponge-Sycophant Leach, who made his pronouncement in an interview with the Wuxi China Expatdom Esquire (WCEE) Blog.
Faster than lovers, in the throes of passion, taking off their clothes, elite Wuxi Expats are ditching their helper monkeys, their concubines, their Chinese driver licenses, their Chinese drivers, their cars and their Ipads 3; and buying Shetland Ponies. One such elite Wuxi Expat, Clancy Montague, who had been commuting to Suzhou China Expatdom by car to get to the factory he manages, now rides his Shetland Pony there. "It does take me an extra four hours a day to get to and from work, but the feeling of being like Sancho Panza really pleases me. And you should see the look on the eyes of the locals!" says Montague. "I am also going to buy some Shetland Ponies for my two children who study at the Suzhou International School. I think I have been spoiling them by driving to pick up them on weekends!"
So popular have Shetland Ponies become that they now sell for one hundred million yuan each at the Wuxi China Expatdom Shetland Pony Shop next to Dangle’s Participle Pub on Zhongshan Road near the #2 People’s Hospital. "Before this week, I was usually able to sell one Shetland Pony a week. Now, I am selling twenty an hour!" said WCE Shetland Pony Shop owner Bill Sandalmaker.
The sudden popularity of Shetland Ponies has, of course, seen unscrupulous shop owners trying to sell fake Shetland Ponies. One Wuxi Expat, Duston Short, paid one hundred thousand yuan for what turned out to be a stray dog wearing a horse suit.
The sudden unpopularity of Help Monkeys has also resulted in many Wuxi Expats becoming underemployed. Previously, many Wuxi English Teachers had supplemented their meager teaching salaries by pretending to be Helper Monkeys in their free time. One out-of-work English Teacher Helper Monkey Duston Short complained to the WCE Blog that the dimunitiveness and squatness of his body, was unfortunately, no asset when pretending to be a Shetland Pony. "My legs are too short and so I can’t be ridden as fast as a Shetland Pony! I just have to hope that one day, the elite of the Wuxi China Expatdom decide Walruses are the thing to own!"
One Wuxi Expat, Andis Kaulins, the English teacher who is not to be confused with the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi Expat Rifle Association and the Andis Kaulins who is the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association, welcomes the change in taste of the Wuxi China Expatdom elites. "I can now get Helper Monkeys cheap! I have bought five of them to be companions to my son Tony!" said ET Kaulins.