Former NY stockbroker Joel Rosenbaumblatt, his wife Mary-Beth Rosenbaumblatt-Bloom, and their blonde-bombshell daughter, Cracklin’ Rosie, have joined the human-tsunami of immigrant arrivals into the warmly-welcoming bosom of the Wuxi China Expatdom.
At Lake Taihu Keys, Andis Kaulins, President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Elite Expat Association (WCEEEA), interviewed the Rosenbaumblatts aboard their luxury Italian-built super-yacht, the 88.08m "Ciao Bella Casa Bertie Wooster La Aqua Grande".
"Yessir", said the garrulous Joel,"coming here to the WCE was the best move we ever made. "I’d become a successful bear-marketeer back in Wall Street. But I didn’t have it easy, and I had claw my way to the top.
"As a kid, growing-up with my folks, our lives were standard and poor. We were living there in Allentown, and then they closed all the factories down, iron and coke, chromium steel. So oh my Papa and my yiddisher Momma packed us all up and we moved to Hell’s Kitchen, where things were a lot better.
"And my wife -ain’t she a sweetie, was right behind me all the way, and I’d have never made it without her.
"Mary-Beth Bloom and I met in high school. It was got-the-hots at first sight for us, and soon we were the popular steadies. And the king and the queen of the prom, riding around with the car top down and the radio on. Nobody looked any finer, or was more of a hit at the Parkway Diner.
"So yeah, together we’ve had wedded bliss, and everything money can buy, but my health had begun to deteriorate. My stockbrokering talents suffered too; couldn’t even make a dead cat bounce anymore.
"Every time I tried to walk into the concrete canyons", Joel explained, "I was accosted by those pesky Barrackuda guerillas and cadres. They called me rude names, and tried to shove leaflets up my nostrils. That caused me lots of stress-symptoms, including involuntary arm-jerking; pelvic gyrations; altered vision; eye and face twitching; terminal constipation; pain, tingling and numbness in my extremeties, as well as mental confusion, hallucinations, palpitations, and empty-headedness. So, we quit the boiler room, sold-up, and moved here a month ago.
"King Gorzo The Mighty gave us the right-royal welcome mat. On our arrival He personally checked-us in to your opulent Chomp-and-skees Hilton. Picked-up the tab too. In our suite, they’d provided complimentary copies of the Poolside Harry Moore, and The Lonely Planet Guide to The Three Andis Kaulins’. We devoured them.
"Now we’re living aboard this yacht, – every new-arrival family gets one, here on magnificent Lake Taihu. Already I’m back to glowing health. "But oh, Andis, – my apologies!, here my friend, let me refill your glass of Moet et Tsingtao, – there ya go, down the hatch!
"And", Joel went on, "unlike in the Big Apple, we don’t have to carry wads of cash around with us here in the Expatdom, – the generosity here is overwhelming.
"Andis Kaulins, the English Teacher, delivers cartons of Lucky Strikes to us three times a day, and he refuses to take a dime. Says that it’s the least he can do, bless him. And Harry Moore personally rickshaws us to the synagogue, he’s a great puller. Real swell guys.
"We’re actually a family of four. Mary-Beth is expecting".
"Yep, though I’m not young and virile these days, well, Mary-Beth and I
still manage the occasional hootsie-tootsie, – knee-tremblers mostly.", grinned Joel, blushing. "But Andis, you and I are both men-of-the-world, so I betcha know what I’m talking about. hehehehe!
"Cracklin’ Rosie, our daughter, is still single. She adores it here in the Expatdom. Legions of eligible young Expat guys, and she loves the nightly conga-jitterbugging at Gambays. She bumped-into Al Pacino there two night’s ago, and he kissed her. And hey, you married, Andis?", queried Joel.
(for the 148th time during their conversation, Andis Kaulins was given no opportunity to reply).
"Andis", asked Joel, "you know your way around the Expatdom better than anyone else – maybe you could show us newbies all the popular Expat places sometime? And I’ve heard that you enjoy European cuisine.
Tell you what, I’ll leave it to your choice – order us a bottle of white, a bottle of red, or perhaps a bottle of rosé instead.
We’ll meet you any time you want, in your Italian restaurant.
"Wrapping it all up, Andis, the Wuxi China Expatdom is the best therapy in the world!. Bottoms up!"