Thursday evening, twenty Wuxi Expats, from Ontario, Canada, were injured when they tried to perform the Prisyadka Dance, the traditional Russian squat kicking dance. Millions of Wuxi Expats had been performing the dance after it had been done in the celebrations that followed Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society President Harry Moore’s lecture at Ford’s Theater in Washington D.C.
Acting Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Officer McNulty provided details of what might have happened to a packed press conference held at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion of Gambay’s Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi, China. “To be honest,” said McNulty, “we don’t know what exactly the Ontario Expats were trying to do! Many of them had black eyes and broken noses from being kicked in the face. Many of them fell in the canal behind Dangle’s Participle, so we suspect that they were trying to perform the dance on a pier with no fence. Two of them managed to get run over by car traffic. Three of them went to the bathroom, tried to do the dance there and so were clobbered by other patrons. A few of them accidently swallowed their monocles which they tried to wear as they performed the dance. Many of the others have to go get their monocles surgically removed from intimate parts of their bodies. And we don’t think we will ever find out how Duston Short managed to swallow a football, four pairs of traditional Russian Prisyadka dancing slippers and his twin brother Justin’s watch — it may well be that these swallowings were unrelated to the dancing incident!”
McNulty then said that he would canvass the WCE parliament and ask them to make laws regulating Prisyadka Dancing and Monocle Wearing. “I think that one should have a license before attempting to Prisyadka dance and wear monocles at the same time!”
The newly-formed Wuxi China Expatdom Monocle Wearers Society (WCEMWS) and Wuxi China Expatdom Prisyadka Dancers Association (WCEPDA), after hearing McNulty’s comments quickly issued a joint press release saying that regulation and laws were unnecessary. “Millions of Wuxi Expats have been able to enjoy Prisyadka Dancing and wear monocles without doing harm to anyone. Why should we let a stupid minority of Ontarians ruin it for everyone? This group of Ontarians previously got lost walking home, got all their heads stuck in cupboards, and had to be hospitalized because they drank Chestnut Pub toilet water. You cannot make laws against stupidity so why trample on the freedoms that Wuxi Expats currently enjoy by bringing in an evil centrally-concentrated bureaucratic infrastructure?”