Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies returns from Paradise Island

Wuxi China Expatdom Minister of Colonies Harry Moore’s plane was eventually able to touch down at the Wuxi Airport in the Shuo Feng District, Saturday evening. The Minister’s plane’s landing had been delayed by the millions of reporters who had the crowded the airport and sat on the tarmac in anticipation of his return from Paradise Island, home of WCE Prime Minister Mango’s wife Wonder Woman, where Moore had gone on a mission to impregnate all its princesses of child-bearing age. Fire hoses had to be sprayed on the tarmac-occupying pressmen to enable the landing to happen.

After Moore’s plane touched down, the Minister de-boarded onto the tarmac and walked toward a microphone placed thereon. He announced to the multitudes, listening to the radio or watching on television, that he was not happy and triumphant but miserable. He made his mission, he told the listening millions, for a woman, and she did not even show up at the airport. Stunning the awaiting multitudes into silence because no one had ever seen the always sunny, optimistic and virile Moore seem unhappy, Moore then asked the audience if they remembered the opening scene from Jean Renoir’s 1939 classic film La Regle du Jeu. A few, who did, explained Moore’s reference to the others and a great relief came over the millions at the Wuxi Airport. The smarter ones in the press corp then began to laugh.

Moore then told the massive crowd that he wanted to thank the ladies of Paradise Island for treating him so well. "I came to the Island in a business-like state of mind and was expecting the girls to be too, but the fine ladies who I had to impregnate, made the couplings romantic and emotionally satisfying. More than just catering to my every passionate desire, they had lots of my favorite foods and practically every movie ever made in their DVD collection. So between my duty calls, I was able to watch Doctor Zhivago on a forty meter wide screen while eating a steak cooked to perfection. So boy! I had a lot of fun! It was a trip full of the most pleasant sensations!"

Asked how good-looking the girls were, Moore said that he always believed that the photo of the girls in Playboy magazine were airbrushed, and that girls really didn’t look like that. "But on Paradise Island, none of the girls had blemishes and were all proportioned perfectly! Heck, some were even been looking than Wonder Woman herself!" said the Minister. "And to have such softness in one’s arm was like eating some delicious melt-in-your-mouth chocolate or breaking lots of bubble wrap by rolling on it!"

A huge one million vehicle motorcade, featuring every car every made in human history, all the new super tanks of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Land Force, and the ten amphibious Air Craft Carriers of the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Navy then took Minister Moore from Shuo Feng to the WCE Monarchical Palace. Overhead, a hundred planes from the Wuxi China Expatdom Royal Air Force flying in tight formation accompanied the land vehicle parade.

At the Palace, his Majesty, the King of the Wuxi China Expatdom Gorzo the Mighty presented Minister Moore with ten medals of honor for the duty he had just done for the Wuxi China Expatdom, and recommended that he be inducted into the Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame for an unprecedented third time. "No Man!" declared his Majesty, "has done so much for all of mankind! I am sure that I speak for Wuxi China Expatdomites when I say I really admire Minister Moore’s pluck and courage in agreeing to take on this difficult mission. Lesser men would have been rendered too excited by the prospect of sleeping with all those beautiful girls, but Harry, and I call him that because I consider him my great friend, managed to keep his composure and sense of humor during this Herculean task we asked him to perform!"

Moore was then presented with a garland of flowers and declared the Wuxi Expat Man of the year by the two co-chairwomen of the Wuxi China Expatdom Ladies Auxiliary and Voters League (WCELAVL): her Majesty, the Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Ayira: the Chosen One and the first lady of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Wonder Woman. Speaking for both, Ayira, said that they would do everything they could to see to it that Minister Moore was presented with a Nobel Prize for Peace and Economics, a Pulitzer Prize, the highest honour an Australian could get in Australia, and a place on People’s Magazine’s list of most interesting people in 2012. Wonder Woman added that it was going to be the greatest of honors to be the aunt of children sired by Minister Moore.

After the royal presentation ceremony, the massive motorcade took Minister Moore to Gambay’s Pub in the 1912 Bar District of Wuxi where a crowd of 75,000 bar patrons feted Moore for five hours with choruses of "For he’s a jolly good fellow!" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." Then a ceremony took place where Minister Moore was also presented with an award for lifetime achievement by the President of the Pampers Corporation, Victor Mills, who said "Harry is the best thing to happen to the disposable diaper industry since the invention of disposable diapers!"

Afterwards, in the locker room of Gambay’s, Minister Moore received congratulatory calls from many world leaders. "Merkel, Sarkozy, Cameron, some guy named Barry Obambi, my buddy the Pope, the leader-for-life of Uzwetyourbedistan, and another guy named Stephen Harper, whoever he is, phoned!" said Moore.

The leaders of Russia and Japan sent ambassadors to Moore requesting his fecund powers to help turn around their demographic decline. "I respectfully declined and told them I will only add more Wuxi China Expats to the world!" said the Minister.

But the most unprecedented honor for Minister Moore came from the National Football League and FIFA, the international governing body of soccer. NFL Commissioner Rogel S Goodell gave Minister Moore the Vince Lombardi Trophy, normally awarded to the winning team in the Super Bowl. Moments later, Moore received a phone call from FIFA President Seth Blater who awarded Minister Moore with the FIFA World Cup Trophy, normally awarded to the winner of the FIFA World Cup Tournament. Sports Historians said it was unprecedented for a major sports organization to award its team championship trophy for individual achievement in a field of endeavor not related to their sport

Harry Moore will only be spending a few days in the WCE before he puts on his Archduke hat for a visit to the Sarajevo Bosnia & Herzegovina where he will confer WCE Colonial Status on the SB&H Expatdom before going on a Motorcade tour on the latest WCE colony.

From the SB&H Expatdom, Archduke Moore will take off his royal hat, fly to Washington D.C., assume his role as the President of the Wuxi China Expatdom Film Appreciation Society and give a film talk after the opening screening of the new film My American Cousin.

Posted By Andis Kaulins to Wuxi, China Expatdom at 2/11/2012 04:31:00 AM


About wuxiandis

An English Teacher in Wuxi, China. Married to a local girl. Father of a boy born August 23, 2007.
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