Helper Monkeys are the new status symbol of Wuxi Expats

First, it was having a Chinese Driver’s License; secondly, it was owning an autographed copy of the Poolside Harry Moore; then, it was having GPS in one’s bar girl; but now the status symbol of the Wuxi Expat is to have lots and lots of helper monkeys.

When it was revealed that Her Majesty Queen of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Ayira: the Chosen One, had a helper monkey fetch balls during her tennis matches, a trend was set and soon all of the WCE High Society had to have one helper monkey and then more. A helper monkey arms race developed and Wuxi China Expats, bored of showing off their Chinese-speaking skills, began to speak of how many helper monkeys they had. One Wuxi China Pub Owner, Frank Minkleman, had a hundred helper monkeys working on his yacht in Lake Taihu. NIels Bohr, at his lavish wedding, had a thousand helper monkeys serving guests and performing the dragon dance. Wuxi Sexpats began to boast of having helper monkey sex slaves.

Wuxi Expat English Teachers, not being able to afford helper monkeys, developed all manner of strategems to show off their status. Duston Short, English Teacher Extraodinaire, until he was found out, had his triplet brothers follow him around in monkey costumes. Many other English teachers began hiring students to dress up as helper monkeys and also follow them around.

German Wuxi Expat Engineers, in cooperation with the Japanese, designed and built robot helper monkeys but couldn’t find a solution to the battery charging problem and as well, weren’t able to make the robot monkeys anatomically correct enough for Wuxi Sexpats.

Several Wuxi Expats then wanted to marry their helper monkeys, but were not granted licenses by the Wuxi China Expatdom Bureau of Marriage Licensing. One Expat, Hans Klingerer, got a helper monkey to marry his long underwear; but the marriage was later declared void when it was discovered the long underwear was already married to Klingerer.

So intense has the demand for helper monkeys been in the Wuxi China Expatdom, that it has been reported that some Wuxi Expats have traded their Ipads and Iphones for helper monkeys. One helper monkey is now worth 2 Ipads on the WCE black market.


About wuxiandis

An English Teacher in Wuxi, China. Married to a local girl. Father of a boy born August 23, 2007.
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