Bob Goring, a Wuxi Expat and Pittsburgh Penguins fan, narrowly escaped being assaulted by a group of Toronto Maple Leaf fans he encountered at Dangle’s Participle, the Wuxi China Expatdom English Teacher Pub.
Goring went to the pub to watch the Penguins play the St. Louis Blues on the big screen television. After watching his team defeat the Blues 3-2, Goring briefly raised his fist in the air and took a long sip of his beer.
"Putting down my beer, I noticed this group of strange looking barefoot people, some of them with no teeth, others with with contorted faces, staring at me. One of them, who looked like he was the leader of the group, asked if I was a Penguins fans. Saying I was, the leader laughed and the rest of his group started to laugh as well.
Asking them what was so funny, they told me that they were fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Thinking that they were joshing me, I told them that I should be the one that was laughing.
The leader looked at me quizzically and asked me what I meant. "It behooves me to mention that your team hasn’t won the Cup since ’67. My Pens just won the Cup in ’09!" I replied.
"Is that so? How about we wait and see who wins the game on January 31st! Ha ha!" he said to me, thinking he had scored a rhetorical triumph!
"The Stanley Cup ain’t on the line!" I told him. "I don’t expect you guys are going to be in the final this year, let alone the playoffs! Ha ha ha!" I added and I then saw his brows furrow.
He told me that I had a pretty mouth, and he got his followers to agree that I had a very pretty mouth.
The next thing I know, he grabbed me by the ear and ordered me to squeal as a Piggie. A bunch of Vancouver Canuck and Ottawa Senator fans then joined the Leaf fans and demanded that I get on the floor on all fours with my pants down. I pleaded with the bartender for help until I saw him pull out a "closed" sign and lock the entrance to the pub.
I thought I was done for until the locked entrance to the pub suddenly slammed opened, and who should appear, but Wuxi China Expatdom acting Chief Inspector Officer McNulty! Wearing leather chaps and a leather vest with a sheriff’s badge, he shot arrows at the Senator, Leaf, and Canuck fans, pinning all of them to the walls of the pub. He told us that he had been at the nearby Bondage Bar and said he couldn’t help but overhear someone say "squeal as a piggie!" "You bunch of dumb hick English Teacher punks!" screamed McNulty, "You should have said "squeal like a piggie!"
As I snuck out of the pub, I heard agonized screaming and moans as McNulty gave the Hockey Fans and English Teachers a heaping portion of his deluxe personal luxury brand of divinely-inspired, paradigm-shifting, grammatically-correct and syntactically-true justice.
I then thought to myself that I could have easily been the one moaning!"