Wuxi China Expat receives praise for his manner of death

Geralde Departethieu, a Frenchman reviled around the Wuxi China Expatdom for being a stereotypical Frenchman, has received praise from even the most hardened anti-French quarters of the Expatdom for the manner of his death. Departethieu, who had been manager of a factory in Wuxi, died after being attacked by a Doberman Pinscher that had only recently been brought to the factory for security. Departethieu was reportedly bitten in the groin area by the dog, and so bled to death in an excruciatingly painful manner.

Fred Minkleman, owner of the best Expat pub in the Wuxi China Expatdom: Gambay’s, recalled that Departethieu had visited his pub twice before being permanently banned. Said Minkleman: "Departethieu was an asshole, a really rude fuck. Your typical Frenchman. But you got to hand it to him for dying in the way he did. As Leslie Nielson said: Having you nuts bitten off by a Doberman Pinscher! Now, that’s a way to die!"

Steven Droop, owner of the Chestnut pub, said that Departethieu came to his pub four times before being banned. Said Droop: "Departethieu was a real cunt. He must have been a French waiter before. But you got to hand it to him for dying in the way he did. I have known people to die of excessive diarrhea!"

Wuxi China Expatdom Prime Minister Mango said that the death of the Frenchman was good for the Expatdom. Said PM Mango: "Losing a Frenchman is no loss at all. Let’s face it. The fewer Frenchman we have in the Expatdom, the better off it, and all civilized humanity, would be. But you got to hand to the guy for the way he died. Having your balls bit off by a big dog! That’s the way to die!"

Mark Beckham, an English Military Historian and Wuxi Expat, said he never thought he would anything good to say about the French. Said Beckham: "The usual manner of violent death for a Frenchman is to be shot in the back while running away from a German Soldier, so you have to hand it to Departethieu for facing the attacker that eventually killed him."

Lord McClusky, Wuxi China Expatdom Poet Laureate, said he was going to compose a poem about Departethieu’s death. "I have known people to die from excessive drinking, liver failure, gout, miner’s lung, grout, mold, mildew, bronchitis, having their head stuck a toilet, sipping toilet water, being caught in bed with farm animals, snake bites, bee stings, cat scratch fever, choking on dust bunnies, sleeping the wrong way, golfer’s knee, sleeping near the blades of a combine harvester, sticking their heads in wasp’s nests, and warts; and compared to these Departethieu’s manner of death is sublime and deserving of an ode! I can think of lots of words that rhyme with dog, bite, nuts, death, and blood!"

However, praiseworthy as Departethieu’s death was, none of the Wuxi Expats said they would go to Departethieu’s funeral. Said Hardy’s Har Har Comedy Club owner Willy Aardvark Crazy Kook Yakushev Hardy: "Come on! Funerals are about celebrating the life of a person, not his death. It would be very uncomely for most of us to go. And besides, the Wuxi China Expatdom Bikini Classic will have its opening ceremonies the same time as the funeral! Va Va Voom!"


About wuxiandis

An English Teacher in Wuxi, China. Married to a local girl. Father of a boy born August 23, 2007.
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