At a packed media conference,
IEF Commander, Karl Malden, and Chief Inspector Harry Callahan
have presented material received from Orient Express, currently being
held captive by the Swedish Bikini Team in the Railway Tunnels.
"The note, and the photos," Malden said, "have been exhaustively
examined and tested, and we can confirm that they were sent here
by Orient Express. But, we are still unsure as to who delivered the
"We are releasing these in the hope that they might somehow shed some light,
on what is still a tense, and baffling mystery. You’ll immediately see that
Orient’s note is somewhat incoherent and badly-worded, and we attribute that
to the conditions in which he is being held."
CI Callahan then projected the photographs, and the note, onto a large
visual display screen. Media journalists leaned forwards, and squinted, to
read the note’s contents:
I’m still here in the tunnels. The Swedish Bikini Team
won’t let me go anywhere. They are subjecting me to all kinds of
humiliating and degrading treatment. But they allowed me to write this note.
There are two photographs of me accompanying the note. One shows me as I used to be,
a decent, humble person. That photo was taken on a typical day, when I am
busy helping little old ladies across the street, writing news reports for the Expatdom, and,
doing voluntary cooking and cleaning chores at the old folk’s retirement home.
"This other photo was taken by the Swedish Bikini lady, the one named ‘Berta’, and
as you’ll see, I’m now in a filthy, unwashed and utterly exhausted state.
"They force me to speak Swedish, to walk Swedish, and told me that I must forget the
Wuxi China Expatdom.
Six times a day, I must read, then recite, every single item listed in the IKEA
catalogue – if I get one krona wrong, they put mice down my pants.
"They make me watch DVD movies, for at least ten hours each day.
The Bikini lady named ‘Birgitta’ screamed at me: "No more Lawrence
O’Toole-David Lean-Omar Kwai for you!! From now on, you will watch, and enjoy, every
Great Garbo, Ingrid Bergman, and Ma Von Sydow movie ever made!", she cackled.
There are tens of thousands of cats down here in this tunnel. But they are
all very friendly and gentle critters, and I at least had their companionship here in this dank dungeon. But the Bikini women decided that I must not have any comforts here at all, so they
chased all the cats away. Yes, that’s right, I was forced to endure the horrendous
dirth of a thousand cats.
"Please send Chief Inspector Harry Callahan, or Andis Kaulins, or
maybe get a posse together.
I can’t write any more just now. The Bikini lady named ‘Blix’, just slipped a few more
mice up my trouser leg, and one of those rodents is now crawling around my…..ah,
I’d rather not say where, except that, well, ‘a place where the sun never shines’.
Posted By Sir Dirt E. Harrie to Wuxi, China Expatdom at 7/30/2011 07:11:00 AM