Wuxi China Expatdom Queen Ayira: the Chosen One knocked out United States Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in their exhibition boxing match held Tuesday at the Wuxi China Expatdom’s Business Owners Stadium. Among the more than 150,000 fans in attendance were Clark Gable, Douglas Fairbanks, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Joe Biden, Clint Eastwood, Gary Cooper, Gregory Peck, G. Gordon Liddy, and J. Edgar Hoover. The fight drew gate receipts of $100,000,015,012 all of which will go to charity.
Clinton came out of her corner trying to utilize the same style that got her the victory in her fight with intern Monica Lewinsky, with a straight-standing posture and her left hand prepared to begin jabbing. Ayira’s strategy, however, was to get the fight over early. Prior to the fight she mentioned to her trainer Jack "Chappie" Blackburn that she would devote all her energy to the first three rounds, and even told Orient Express sportswriter Jimmy Cannon that she predicted a knockout in one. After only a few seconds of feinting, Ayira unleashed a tireless barrage on Clinton. Referee Arthur Donovan stopped action for the first time just over one minute and a half into the fight after Ayira connected on five left hooks and a body blow to Clinton’s lower left which had her audibly crying in pain. After sending Ayira briefly to her corner, Donovan quickly resumed action, after which Ayira went on the attack again, immediately felling the Secretary of State with a right hook to the face. Clinton went down this time, arising on the count of three.
Ayira then resumed her barrage, this time focusing on Clinton’s head. After connecting on three clean shots to Clinton’s jaw, the Secretary of State fell to the canvas again, arising at the count of two. With few defenses left at this point, Ayira connected at will, sending Clinton to the canvas for the third time in short order, this time near the ring’s center. Clinton’s cornerman Max Machon threw a towel in the ring – although under Wuxi China Expatdom rules, this did not actually end the fight. Machon was therefore forced to enter the ring at the count of eight, at which point Donovan had already declared the fight over. Ayira was the winner, by a technical knockout, two minutes and four seconds into the first round. In all, Ayira had thrown 41 punches in the fight, 31 of which landed solidly. Clinton, by contrast, had been able to throw only two punches. Soundly defeated, Clinton had to be admitted People’s Hospital #7. It has already been discovered that Ayira has cracked several vertebrae in Clinton’s back.
Clinton and her handlers have complained that Ayira’ initial volley had included an illegal kidney punch, and even refused Ayira’ visitation at the hospital. However, they chosen not to file a formal complaint.
After the fight, Ayira thanked all her supporters and God for her victory. Asked what she now thought of Clinton, Ayira said "she felt sorry for her."
Pope Benedict XVI when hearing the results of the fight, declared Ayira’s victory "a most blessed event."