Colonel Sanders inducted into Wuxi China Expat Hall of Fame.

Calling “Atten-shun!” to the crowd of two and-a-half billion people assembled at Lake Taihu, WCEHoF commissioner Kennesaw “Hui Shan” Landis today performed the induction of Colonel Harlan Sanders, as the fifth inductee into the Hall of Fame.

Landis, standing ramrod-straight, and satisfied that the Kraken was apparently having a siesta-time snooze somewhere in the crystal-clear depths of the lake, described the Kentucky-born, now WCE-based Colonel, as “our bravest, most-decorated, soldier, both here, and also in all of the world’s Expatdominia!”, he exclaimed.  “We are”, he continued, facing the Kraken’s furious wrath, and our Colonel, in his outstanding soldierly career, has already vanquished legions of fowlsome foes, and he is now ready to answer the familiar bugle call-to-arms, breasts, and thighs”.

“Colonel Sanders”, said Landis, “a proud defender of the Confederacy, graduated from the Kentucky Military Academy in Lexington, and was immediately deployed to the Batle of Waterloo, where he first showed his selfless willingness to expose himself to Napoleon’s withering cannon-balls, as well as the fearsome-barrages of basket-balls, netting the enemy in an encircircling maneuver. “Though they had me cooped-up at one stage, layin’ low, and by then we’d run clean-out of pullets, so I had ta relieve myself outta that trap – ’twas nuthin’, in th’ end”, he later recalled.

“Next, at the side of the Confederate General Lee in the American Civil War, the Colonel counter-attacked the Union’s troops during the week-long siege of Banff, and was Mentioned in Dispatches 238 times. Shouting to his men “Don’t ya go-firin’, boys,’till yer see th’ red o’ their eyes!!” became his lifelong war-cry.

In 1918 he vanquished the German Kaiser’s armies in the trenches of the Bahamas.

Then, in 1943, Harlan Sanders went on to the north-African campaign, (where, Sanders said, “I whacked that old dawg General Rommel’s rear; didn’t want ta’ risk ma’ men in a full-frontal, exposed-like, engagement”), thereby gaining the coveted Siamese Star to add to his cluster of decorations. The Colonel’s regiment brilliantly out-flanked Rommel’s crack fighting troops, the Ronalds-Korps, in the decisive Battle of Hamburger Hill. The Colonel later said that the worst part of the desert fighting was the scorching-heat. “Why, out there, it just fries”, he recalled.

“In the Pacific War, assisting the Marines at the Guadal Canal, the Colonel earned his reputation for steadfastly-protecting his privates, (“we only suffered a few poultry losses”, the Colonel diarised, thankfully). And from there he went on to assume command of the legendary 9th Catering Corps – ‘The Fightin’ Finger-Lickers’, as they became famously-known, were the heroic field-kitchen victors in the Battle of The River Paper-Plate.

Since then, the Colonel has taken-part in too many wars, and shake and awe-campaigns to mention here today. The list goes on and on – Korea, ‘ Nam, the Golf wars, The Forklands, Greenland, to name but a few.

“He also led the Kentucky Colonels of the American Basketball Association to their only championship in 1975. In his only season, he averaged 35 points, 15 rebounds, and 10 blocked shots per game. He is both a sporting and military genius.”

“Closer to home, in 1912, he was the first to dog-paddle his way ashore on the beachhead at Lake Taihu, and, in hand-to-hand fighting, drove-out the occupying Nanjing Expatdom’s forces in a deep ravine, where our iconic, and much-visited Bar District was later established, and is now-named in commemoration of the year of that stupendous victory. “Th’ enemy, on their last legs, flew outta there real-fast, jus’ like they had wings”, the Colonel now remembers pridefully.

As well as liberating the WCE from jackbooteed-tyranny, Colonel Sanders personally hand-fed the starving Expats in the Very Very Old District, using only crudely-contrived plastic spoons.  For this, he garnered 216 Red and White Stars, with Bars, 128 Devotion to Fast Service Medals, 358 Citations, as well as the much-prized Residential Grand Aluminium and Tin Cross of the Side Order.

“In today’s Wuxi China Expatdom, the Colonel’s outstanding gallantry, and his military-prowess, is commemorated in the countless shrines, and eleven spiced-temples, emblazoned with his billygoateed-image, where, sixteen times daily, our Expat citizenry kneel or sit to offer their worshipful-gratitude, and we will continue to do so, into perpetuity.

“People of the WCE! At Ease!”, Landis concluded.

After the speech, Colonel Sanders, using his trade-mark expression, “Old soldiers never diet, they jus’ take-away“, boldly stepped kneck-deep into the Taihu lakewaters, acknowledged the thunderously-deafening roar of the adoring-crowd’s applause and adulation, and said “I’m feelin’ proud, mighty proud!. “Comin’ back-home, ta’ do some fightin’ with that ole Krikken, why, it’s beyond ma’ wildest dreams! .

And, gazing-out at Lake Taihu, the Colonel defiantly shouted, Where ya hidin’ ya’self, ya Krikken, – chickenin’-out of a lickin’ from me, are yer, son!!

Posted By Dirt E. Harrie to Wuxi, China Expatdom at 4/25/2011 12:26:00 AM

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About wuxiandis

An English Teacher in Wuxi, China. Married to a local girl. Father of a boy born August 23, 2007.
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