Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton KCMG FRGS a British explorer, translator, writer, soldier, orientalist, ethnologist, spy, linguist, poet, fencer, diplomat, and Wuxi China Expat attended a bachelor party this weekend in the Expatdom, and afterward lamented the lack of sadism at modern bachelor parties.
Said the Captain, "All that happened at this bachelor party was the groom was fed liquor and got sick towards the end of the evening. Where was the fun, the creativity, and imagination in that? Why, in my day when I was a young whipper-snapper, we took the ritual of the bachelor party seriously. We planned seriously for weeks, the coming-of-age and initiation rites of the bachelor party — the alcohol and food was an afterthought. I remember drawing on my experiences as an explorer of barbarian rituals in the great African Lakes when designing the exquisite tortures of the groom.
We established certain bachelor party principles that the younger generation has chosen to ignore. Number one, the bachelor party is not over till the groom has no body hair. Number two, the groom has to be tied up. Number three, the groom has to be publicly humiliated in some way. Number four, the groom has to hung from a bridge or tree. Number five, the groom has to spend a night in jail. Number six, the groom must be bitten by insects. Number seven, the groom doesn’t wear shoes. Number eight, the groom can only appear in public wearing diapers. Number nine, the groom must be deprived of sleep for at least 48 hours. Number ten, the groom must be abandoned on some sort of public transportation to an area with which he is not familiar. Number eleven: sheep, chickens, cows, or goats. And number twelve, every bachelor party must find an original procedure for torturing the groom.
Not one of these principles was upheld at the bachelor party, I recently attended. It was an abomination! The era of the grand bachelor party is over! Alas!"