Wuxi China Expats jubilant after receiving news of Ayatollah of Mordor’s capture.

An estimated two hundred fifty million people gathered in the Wuxi China Expatdom’s Harry Memorial Square in an impromptu celebration of the capture of the Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi wanted for crimes against good taste and chocolate. Observers of the scene say it is perhaps the greatest party in all of human history.

An intrepid Orient Express reporter at the square reported the following: "… I see people dancing! I see strangers kissing each other! Even the Baboons and Chimps, the French and the Germans, the Palestinians and the Israelis are dancing arm in arm. I see people kissing photos of King Gozro, Queen Ayira, Fred Minkleman, and Admiral Lloyd Bridges. Some women are rubbing themselves against photos of Inspector Harry Callahan. I was just talking with a victim of the Ayatollah of Mordor, Andis Kaulins. He told me a horrifying story of having his Cadbury chocolate bar absconded from his bag one time by you-know-who! Another man told me he had seen the Ayatollah in shorts and had to spend a year in a mental trauma unit. Another Expat told of being kidnapped and made to watch Zombies of Glenmore Part 3 at the Ayatollah’s lair. And while many Expats do have tragic tales to tell from the dark time of the Ayatollah’s reign, they do all stress that the Ayatollah should get a fair trail before being punished. I now hear the crowd singing "For Gorzo’s a mighty good fella!" — surely this is the most people to ever fete a person with that song! The happiness of these people gives me a tingle up my leg the likes of which I have never felt before — even when I was in the throes of Mango mania. I now see a bunch of Wuxi Expats trying to make the longest conga line in human history — the song they are congaing to sounds like the song that won the World Expatdom Vision Song Contest. And now three 88 metre tall statues of the former King of Wuxi are being brought into the square — I assume they mean to tear them down. Oh! Oh! Oh! You will have to excuse me! Some woman has just offered me her…. Oh My God!….. I’m sorry! I am going to have to …….. Oh, the humanity! And all the people screaming around here. I told you; —so many people to talk to, all my friends are out there! Ah! It’s… it… it’s a… ah! I… I can’t talk, ladies and gentlemen. Honest: it’s just everyone is here, mass of happy people. Ah! And everybody can hardly breathe and talk and the screaming. Lady, I… I… I’m sorry. Honest: I… I can hardly breathe. I… I’m going to step over here, where everyone cannot see us. Gorzo God, that’s wonder. Ah, ah… I can’t. Listen, folks; I… I’m gonna have to stop for a minute because [indecipherable] I’ve lost my voice. This is the best thing I’ve ever witnessed. errr. experienced.."


About wuxiandis

An English Teacher in Wuxi, China. Married to a local girl. Father of a boy born August 23, 2007.
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