Operation Chocolate Bad Egg Hunt, the mission to capture Ayatollah of Mordor, the former King of Wuxi, is now in its operational phase. Speaking from Yalta, Manitoba, a town newly created for a conference of the Big Three: Gorzo the Mighty, King of the Wuxi China Expatdom, Harry Callahan, Chief Inspector of the Wuxi China Expatdom Police Force, and Fred Minkleman, owner of Gambay’s Pub, the most popular pub in the Wuxi China Expatdom; the commander of the mission, Wuxi China Expatdom Police Commisioner Blakelock announced that the encirclement of the Casa Mordor had begun as the ten million man Wuxi China Expatdom Army for Justice had set out from its camp site in Kenora, Ontario.
Asked if they knew where the super-duper secret location of the Casa Mordor was, Blakelock said they had a good idea where it was, and that every member of the ten million man Wuxi China Expatdom Army for Justice had been issued a Crisco-sniffing dog. “We also know for a fact that the Ayatollah of Mordor is addicted to Crisco brand lard and chocolate. For the past few years, we have been implanting every container of lard and chocolate in the Winnipeg, Canada area with nano-sized beacons. So we have located several huge stockpiles of Crisco and Chocolate in the Winnipeg Area. Of course, we are aware that many of these sites are dummy sites set up to throw us off the scent, as it were. But because the Ayatollah of Mordor consumes Chocolate and Crisco at an prodigious rate, our detectors can easily find him. We have intelligence indicating that the Ayatollah is getting many of his followers to have Roman-style Chocolate and Crisco parties to, again, throw us off, but many of his followers have become sick from the excess. It is only a manner of time before the Ayatollah is by himself without anyone else to eat Chocolate and Crisco with!”
After Blakelock’s statement, the Yalta Conference was concluded and “the Big Three” issued the following statement:
THE CAPTURE OF THE AYATOLLAH OF MORDOR
We have considered and determined the military plans for the final capture of the common enemy of all mankind. The military staffs of the Wuxi China Expatdom have met in hourly meetings throughout the Conference. These meetings have been most satisfactory from every point of view and have resulted in closer coordination of the military effort. The fullest information has been interchanged. The timing, scope, and coordination of new and even more powerful blows to be launched by our armies, the WCERN, and air forces into the heart of Casa Morder from the East, West, North, and South have been fully agreed and planned in detail.
Our combined military plans will be made known only as we execute them, but we believe that the very close working partnership is very important.
The Ayatollah of Mordor is doomed. He will only make the cost of his defeat heavier to themselves by attempting to continue a hopeless resistance.
THE CUSTODY OF THE AYATOLLAH OF MORDOR
We have agreed on common policies and plans for enforcing the unconditional surrender terms which we shall impose together on the Ayatollah of Mordor. These terms will not be made known until the final capture of the Ayatollah has been accomplished. Under the agreed plan, the Ayatollah will stand on trial at a special court set up on Hans Island.
It is our inflexible purpose to destroy Mordorian and Euro-Trash Nudism and to ensure that the Ayatollah of Mordor will never again be able to disturb the peace of the world. We are determined to disarm and disband all Mordorian armed forces; break up for all time the Mordorian General Staff that has repeatedly contrived the resurgence of Mordorian militarism; remove or destroy all Mordorian military equipment; eliminate or control all Mordorian industry that could be used for military production; bring all war criminals to just and swift punishment and exact reparation in kind for the destruction wrought by the Mordorians; wipe out the Euro-Nudist Party, Mordorian laws, organizations and institutions, remove all Mordorian and militarist influences from public office and from the cultural and economic life of all people; and take in harmony such other measures in the World as may be necessary for its’ future peace and safety. It is not our purpose to destroy the people of Mordor, but only when Euro-Trash Nudism and militarism have been extirpated will there be hope for a decent life for Mordorians, and a place for them in the comity of Nations.
REPARATION BY THE AYATOLLAH OF MORDOR
We have considered the question of the damage caused by Ayatollah to the Allied Nations during his reign and recognized it as just that he be obliged to make compensation for this damage in kind to the greatest extent possible. A commission for the compensation of damage will be established. The commission will work in Hans Island which the Canadian Government has kindly lent us.
UNITY FOR JUSTICE AS FOR CAPTURE
Our meeting here in Yalta, Manitoba has reaffirmed our common determination to maintain and strengthen justice and human dignity. We believe that this is a sacred obligation which we owe not only to Manitobans and Wuxi Expats, but to all the peoples of the world.
Only with the continuing and growing cooperation and understanding among Wuxi Expats and among all the peace-loving Nations can the highest aspiration of humanity be realized—a secure and lasting justice which will, in the words of the Atlantic Charter, “afford assurance that all the men in all the lands may live out their lives in freedom from fear and want and arbitrary seizures of lard and chocolate.”
Capturing the Ayatollah of Mordor and his subsequent trial will provide the greatest opportunity in all history to create in the years to come the essential conditions of justice, decency, lard, chocolate, and pork chops for all.
GORZO THE MIGHTY